golden

April 04, 2020

Dear Scientist,
are you mad?

Dear Magician,
do you lie?

I’m lying on a yoga mat on the top of my car, outside Esme and Jason’s apartment in L.A. It’s overcast and in the mid-60s, but the sun is shining through the clouds with enough radiance to warm my skin. Before writing I was sitting on the car in my bikini, spread out and absorbing the sun. I feel so embodied when it’s hot out. The hotter and wetter the weather, the more right I feel.

I left Orem at 10AM yesterday. The drive was incredible. The last couple of hours were pretty rough, but the scenery for most of the drive was breath-taking (I kind of hate this word. Heh.) outside of L.A. The mountains here are so tall, lush and green. And the sky was perfectly clear.

Last night Esme and Jason and I took an edible and listened to music. I still feel unreal being here, especially given how last minute the trip was. My horoscope today says, “This is real life, even though it feels different.”

I’m currently listening to Harry Styles new album. The way his voice and charisma affect me reminds me of how I used to feel about Magician, and it makes me miss him. Strums a painful chord in my heart. I miss being physically overwhelmed by how beautiful someone is and knowing I also make someone feel that way.

I struggle to believe I make anyone feel inspired, because no one looks at me the way Magician did. I thought he was magick. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel that good again. I guess I just have to believe that will happen for me again; otherwise I won’t want to live.

Turning off Harry Styles now. Maybe I’ll turn him back on when I have someone to share a life with.

/