love, death, sex, transformation, art
I am devoted lifelong to learning
of languages, tarot, the zodiac, poetry,
and the secrets of nature and the body
January 25, 2024
My purpose(s) in life are love,
death, sex, transformation, and art.
I am devoted lifelong to learning
of languages, tarot, the zodiac, poetry,
and the secrets of nature and the body
I have the powers of the written language,
dreams, psychic visions, love as healing,
multiple past lives, blood, the sounds
of my throat and mouth, rapid transformation
and sex, as well as the physical strength
and adaptability of my body.
I welcome and honor change. I welcome that
which contradicts and confounds. I hold it all.
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scorpio venus
My intuition has fallen ill.
November 29, 2024
November means the end of October, and I never feel I’ve done enough to savor the darkness, even though the entire month carries with it the energy of Scorpio: death, rebirth, transformation, intuition.
My intuition has fallen ill.
I’m depressed, and not in the usual sexy fashion. I wonder if marriage will ever not depress me. At least when I’m alone I’m able to fantasize about enacting some sexual chaos that will deliver me from the discomfort of stillness. Now these fantasies make me guilty. Not that I even like actual sex much—it feels more like routine maintenance for me. Being unmarried is torment also; I’m a herd animal and need my body to be held or the chaos is too great, even for a chaos slut like me.
I wish sex could satiate whatever vacuous urge I have always suffered. But coming in contact with a human body is often underwhelming for me and steals me from the excitement of my desires. Never a proper cut. I’d rather get naked and roll in wet earth or invigorate myself with fear. But nothing scares me, and the earth is dry in the desert, apart from the lakes and hot springs. Hard to find nature in which to disrobe and perform spiritual exorcisms. In the city most land is too heavily trafficked.
On Thursday I took Momo to the top of my favorite hill and walked along the golf course in the dark. I felt more spooked than usual—perhaps because it was Hallow’s Eve or because of the New Moon syncing with my blood cycle. But I was flushed, breathing heavily, and seeing shapes and colors move across the darkness. Kind of a sexual experience in some physical ways. I could return there more often, but it comes at the cost of remembering my home being taken from me and the people who still live there. The people who experimented on my body and claim to be haunted by my absence. I used to go through the back gate every night. I wasn’t nervous at all then, but always gin drunk.
I need a purge, a God to enact judgment now, to chemically burn the need toward destruction from my body. Or maybe a dominatrix to stomp out my horrible impulses, or a bird to peck at them like worms. I’m a fat little worm myself.
samhain new moon
It was Samhain, a new moon, and the 1st day of my blood cycle.
November 01, 2024
My October was great!
My only complaint is that it was too short. I got moved into my apartment except for a box of miscellaneous small items I need to organize, and a bathtub full of donations.
My birthday party was also great. Golden and I spent a cumulative $700 on food and decorations. We played Cards Against Humanity and listened to Chappel Roan. I put on the show “Uzumaki” and the movie House in the background for visuals.
Last night was maybe even more amazing: I felt magic in the air.
It was Samhain, a new moon, and the 1st day of my blood cycle. I went to the golf course near Laurel Manor and walked around with Mo. It was so serene. And knowing Mo got exercise made me really happy. I got some mental clarity on why I’ve felt so tethered to la Femme. Not based so much on our connection, but because she possesses a lot of things I want for myself and is also both delusionally confident and also physically strong and attractive.
When Golden got home we watched Bride of Chucky and ate charcuterie. Then I read his tarot and we went to bed.
XO,
LB
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small white dog
A psychic once told me that I have a small white dog attached to me, one I cared for in a past life.
May 15, 2024
Recently I’ve had so many end-of-the-world kinds of dreams.
Last night I was in a HUGE house that was on fire, and somehow it was my fault. The Magician’s nephew was in the house and died.
His whole family and several friends of the family came to show support at a vigil. I was overwhelmed with guilt.
The grand and beautiful house was decimated, with all the interiors and walls melted off the beams.
I also had a dog following me, a cream-colored, goofy and messy one. It kept interrupting me during high-stakes social interactions, and I was annoyed and missed Momo.
A psychic once told me that I have a small white dog attached to me, one I cared for in a past life.
I think the psychic was a charlatan, but I do find the assertion intriguing, especially given my love of dogs and that Hecate, goddess of dogs, is one of my goddesses.
My intuition tells me that at present other planes of existence—including my psyche, my soul—are reaching out, and I’m unable at present to access or communicate with them.
I’m really yearning to connect with my spirituality on a deep level; it’s difficult to be a solitary practitioner and also maximize my magical practice.
Some day I might seek out an advisor, or maybe one will find me as I prepare myself spiritually for more information.
I doubt I’m going to connect with anyone in Salt Lake City, since I’m on my way out.
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