rules of life

1. It’s always worth it to write down a sexy thought (and important to have a container on hand for such things).

2. Don’t go to a gathering, or to someone’s home for the first time, empty-handed.

3. Remember people’s birthday and, when possible, get them a thoughtful gift.

4. Write and stretch daily.

5. Avoid religion, cliques, or any other form of control-based connection that seeks to suppress individuality.

6. Art and love are ultimate human greatness, and the cultivation of the ability to express them well is the most important pursuit.

7. Make baked goods and write letters.

“You’ll never know that you had all of me. You’ll never see the poetry you stirred in me.”

— Kate Bush

“b” words + bits of poetry

October 19, 2023

balmy
beets
bloodstone
blister
bright
beldame

Every lover has been a coward,
Has left me fearful of daring,
Glaring on the carousel hummingbird, your fox

I want you to touch yourself
but you avoid the fates and sleep through every goddess spectacle
not to be happy, but to be dreamy

My tongue is my trove of sound and pleasure.
The moon rises, a magic apple,

A bubbling and psychotic cauldron of myth and perversion,
I love to eat the soil with you and yodel the sound of pleasure
into your throat

Take your song to the things with beaks
To the sirens, to the cliffs,
Take your bottle to the sea,
Swim yourself to me

Glittering, regal as a moth,
chartreuse and ghostly,
doom-laden melon of the mind

/

nightmares

October 15, 2023

I’ve been tuned into some lunar, psychic powers and having WILD dreams.

The other night I dreamed I was following Golden around, either hunting him or trying to find him. I go to Carole and Papa’s and he isn’t there, then to Nana’s and he’s “just left.” I’m scared. Flying but unable to control my flight so I keep crashing into the ground. Getting more and more scared, and I start banging furiously on my bedroom windows and screaming, “If anyone can hear me, get me out of this dream!”

Then Sister appeared out of a window across the way and said, “Now you know how I feel every day.”

Then I felt sad and held her in my arms like a baby, and apologized for leaving her at home with our mom when I got married at moved out, and she told me she never told me how it made her feel because she just wanted me to move on and be happy.

Apparently the same night of the dream, Sister posted something angry on Facebook about me.

Then a couple of nights ago (Friday the 13th), I dreamed I was being pursued by a bunch of sharp-clawed, angry cats and kittens, and they were endangering the younger kids in my family.

in my black jaguar era

July 15, 2023

I am going through an aesthetic revolution. 

I want to get rid of the part of my aesthetic that is heavily 60s or 70s influenced, apart from a few more timeless pieces. I want to have less casual items and more austere items.

Key words: colonial revival, pastoral, alternative, witchy, dark academia, Cirque de Soleil, goth 

For me an aesthetic goes from my head to my toes, inside and outside of my body: my interiors, the food I eat, the media I consume, the fashion I collect and cultivate, my tattoos and piercings, my hair and makeup, and even the words I use. 

Random things that are a part of my jaguar phase: 

Food: Peppers with cream and pomegranate seeds, Greek salad, healthy Japanese and Indian recipes, a couple solid Italian recipes, and my signature recipe: perfectly cooked pan-seared duck with mashed potatoes, and either asparagus or roasted root vegetables.

Media: Como Agua Para Chocolate. Art house horror. Cien Anos de Soledad. Sinead O’Connor’s autobiography. Lady Wilde’s Irish folklore. POSE. Paris Is Burning. Other literature on the Stonewall Riots and Appalachian folk magic. The Bible (in Spanish). La Trompeta Acustica and the Leonor Fini book I just bought.

Design: Silver jewelry and large red and green jewels. Red and green in general. Zebra print rug. Four post bed. Snatched black ankle boots. Long black pleated skirt, long sleeve black body suit. Get my favorite items cleaned and altered so I can actually wear them. LBD. Goth academic outfits for when I go back to school.

Goals: Marry an artist who honors my boundaries, celebrates my genius, and would help me raise Saylem, or support me while I do it. Make health tinctures. Find a way to make $5000 each month and save $1000 of it.

/

A highly aesthetic magic realism series about a woman who is the sexton of an abandoned village cemetery. Very wooded, as she communes with the beasts and plants in the woods. 

My name is Bodey. 

I want a black pitbull, 2 mice, and to live in the woods. Black Mazda Miata. Black cowboy boots. 

I keep dreaming of cats. The last dream was a black panther. 

/

intro to chivalrous baby

May 25, 2023, 3:47 AM 

I have so much anxiety right now. I am in a state where I am not identifying with it mentally, but it is rushing through my body. I smoked a lot of weed (I just re-upped) and hit Lou’s nicotine vape (vomit, I hate that I am picking up this habit after stopping drinking!) I had to turn off all sound, and music in particular, because my body is too susceptible to the varying energies, and I get even more anxiety. 

Turning off the music has helped. 

I threw away the vape. Sorry Lou. 

There is a moth in my kitchen, and I don’t want to deal with it right now, and I don’t want it to eat my clothes.

I went on a power walk with Momo for about 40 minutes, and I had a lot of cool thoughts. 

I think the expectations I put on myself this evening were either too much, or I just smoked too much weed and need to accept that I am no longer mentally or physically capable of accomplishing what I meant to do. 

Here are some things I accomplished today: 

My chores (dishes, tidying up my room, emptying out my purse and putting everything where it belongs, laid out my clothes) 

Made myself a healthy and delicious dinner (a Greek salad, and the lettuce was especially crisp)

Exercised and fed Momo 

Took my meds

Listened to a podcast episode about Edward Gorey 

Felt really cool and powerful walking the street and listening to disco music 

Worked my shift and did a thorough, excellent job; interacted happily with all of my coworkers

I love my chivalrous baby. 

He lets me suck the life force from him. 

Says I am torturing him, but even a tooth

Aches golden when supplemented with sex ,

Because the body is an altar, 

A banquet of pleasures, 

And worship is the snail in the garnish: 

The sexiest and most naked guest. 

I’m rambling again. 

Chivalrous baby is sucking the life force from me too.

/

gratitude

May 23, 2023, 7:44 PM

50 Things for which I Am Grateful: 

1. Flowers

2. Plants, especially bright green ones 

3. Jewelry 

4. Glamour 

5. Being genderless 

6. My creativity 

7. My will to be joyful 

8. My family!!

9. Being able to sing well 

10. Stringed instruments 

11. Large spans of green grass

12. Dogs, especially Momo

13. The texture of velvet

14. White-fleshed peaches (“Why it gotta be white?”)

15. Poetry and poets

16. The pleasures of the flesh

17. Clouds 

18. Thunder and rain 

19. Music, and being able to listen to it all the time pretty much 

20. The color orange 

21. Rainbows 

22. Psychedelic drugs 

23. Penises and vaginas, and inbetweeneses 

24. Kisses

25. Making enough money to take care of myself and buy myself nice things sometimes 

26. Jinkx Monsoon 

27. My beautiful face 

28. My caked up ass and thighs 

29. My health and ability to do things with my body!

30. The pleasures of dancing 

31. The pleasures of yoga 

32. The pleasures of breath 

33. Being able to type super fast 

34. Being good at sex 

35. Being able to make people feel good with my words and the energy of my presence 

36. My relationship with the universe

37. The improvement of my relationships with the people I love 

38. The women and sweet little girls in my family 

39. Lou

40. Viking Man

41. Living so close to so much nature and wildlife 

42. My bed chamber 

43. Bjork 

44. Lady Gaga 

45. The BIPOC community, especially the queer BIPOC community 

46. The fact that being gay isn’t punishable by law anymore and is sexy and cool

47. Irish folktales

48. I’m grateful that Grammy and Poppy sang to me and gave me back scratches every night when I was a kid 

49. To be Irish 

50. To have a racially diverse family

/

sober, I hardly know’er!

May 20, 2023, 7:55 PM

I truly have no sense of time, so I’m just going to go over some recent, notable experiences.

I am still dating Viking Man, but 90% of the time I’m with him I don’t really feel like he is being present, and he doesn’t provide enough vulnerability for me to really attach to him. It’s frustrating, and while it doesn’t normally bother me, I’m feeling moody as of late, and it is bothering me now. 

I’m going to Goblin Valley with him in a couple of weekends and we’re going to do Molly, so I’m interested to see what sort of emotional outcome that experience will create in our dynamic. 

I’ve also been seeing Lou, but she has been in a horrible mood lately, and almost everything she says is a complaint or a whine, and it’s affecting my overall mood to spend time with her. It’s frustrating because I see a lot of beautiful things about her, and she is an actual real person unlike most of the people here in Utah, but I see some glaring immaturities in her that I don’t like. They remind me of when I used to be unmedicated and also in a constant negative headspace, around the time that I was with The Magician. 

I also stopped drinking. 

I’m in a bet with Lou and a mutual friend from work, and we each put in $100, so whoever wins gets $300. I am determined to win, not only because of the money, but because I am ready to not be an alcoholic. It’s expensive and negatively affects my mood and my physical health. Not to mention, I don’t want to be dependent on substances for my charisma.

I deserve to develop my skills in a way that benefits my growth. I also don’t want to depend on substances to feel sexy or comfortable in sex. I don’t want to numb my senses and “kick the can up the road” so to speak, in terms of listening to my body’s messages and taking my time healing what needs to be healed. Without alcohol my sexual experiences will be fewer and require more trust, and that is okay. 

That means the only sexual experiences I enter into will be safe and authentic to how I’m really feeling. If I numb my body in order to have sex, that prolongs my ability to get through what I need to get through in order to feel safe being a sexual person again. 

I’m still not exercising nearly as much financial restraint as I want for myself, and that also stresses me out. I need a saving’s account for fuck’s sake! I also want a car. I’m so sick of not being able to take long drives by myself. 

Cars are just annoying as fuck to own. And expensive. It’s expensive to own a car, and it’s expensive not to own a car. Annoying, but true.

The Club has been a shit show as of late, and management is fake as fuck. Lacking integrity in a major way. Lacking authenticity in a major way. That said, they are paying me what I think is fair, and there are plenty of opportunities for learning there and building my resume so that when I move, I’ll be a contender pretty much anywhere I want to work in the service industry while I find a clientele for my death doula practice. 

That’s all for now. Going to read, maybe listen to music, walk Momo. I’m at Lou’s doing my laundry right now. 

I am tired all the time, and I can’t figure out what the issue is. I haven’t written poetry much lately. Feeling so airy.

/

scorpio and synchronicities

April 17, 2023, 2:26 AM

Yesterday was a great and unusual day. I mistakenly walked to City Creek to get a dress and a bath bomb, forgetting that it was Sunday and they were closed, but I ran into a famous drag queen from Ru Paul’s Drag Race outside of Eccles Theater. She was so kind. Her boy name is Andrew. 

I called Alexis to tell them about it and they invited me to his Stonewall kickball game. I ended up spending the entire day with them playing Pickleball. It’s basically small tennis, and I already am decent at tennis, so I picked it up quickly. It was incredible exercise.

M.G. also invited us to a party at their house, so we all went. I wore my pink Jeffrey Campbell platform boots, a black leotard, black thigh-high socks, and black feathered wings. We played Cards Against Humanity for a long time and watched SZA and Anni Lennox videos. Alexis recommended “Shea Butter Baby” so I’m going to listen to that as soon as possible.

I only had two drinks at the party, and I chose not to go out tonight, so I’m proud of myself. 

I’m prioritizing discipline in my life right now, because I sense that it is a major blockage in my spiritual development. Since leaving Mormonism, discipline in particular, identifying my values and executing those values in the form of action, has been nearly non-existent in my life, and it’s caused a myriad of issues for me, not the least of which is a feeling of stagnation and disappointment in myself.

One of the ways I’m attempting to create a discipline muscle is by writing in diary on a daily basis, as well as interpreting my dreams through the lens of tarot as often as possible, and reading daily. I’ve been feeling sort of air-headed for awhile lately, and I’m trying to habitually do things that sharpen my brain and lengthen my attention span! 

In particular I also want to take note of the magic that occurs in my life on a daily basis. I feel that yesterday was magical in the sense that I didn’t execute my original plan for my day, but I was still led by the universe—my darling Uni—into places and situations that were great for me.

One of those things was spending the whole day outside with Momo. She is such a perfect companion. She followed close behind me all day, and every person who asked about her, of which there were many, said that she was such a delight to be around. I even played pickleball in the courts, and she would stay close by me, wandering around the gates and staying within range of my eyesight. Sometimes I forget how wonderful my connection to her is. Every bit of energy I give to her I get back tenfold. 

/

There have been an excitingly large number of synchronicities and bits of magic in my day today. 

I started reading a book called Sex Signs, which presents a psycho-astrological approach to sex, love, anger, power, etc. Almost no one came into the bar today, so I got to carve out a significant chunk of time to read. The last patron who visited the bar was a gay funeral director. He is currently separated from his husband and lives in an apartment above his funeral home, a building from the 1880s which was in bad shape until he and his son recently fixed it up. I’ve passed it a few times, and it is gorgeous. I spoke to him about his profession, and I told him that I’m studying to be in the death industry. 

I told him about the dream I had in which I saw myself as a young girl with red hair healing a small group of mourners with her words.

Then later this evening, a few hours after this conversation, I was reading Sex Signs, and I found this exact phrase:

‘Scorpio can also work . . . well within the American “death industry.” She can be a good funeral parlor administrator, embalmer, counselor for the grieving, religious leader, or cultist. She can break through traditional notions of death and dying and share her own deep wisdom with others.’

!!!

The Scorpio chapter of the book also made reference to the wife from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf and the Queen of Hearts from “Alice in Wonderland,” the first of which is an insane comparison because of significance of me choosing to play that character in a reading with my ex-husband, Esme, and Jason at a point when my deepest resentments about my sexuality and emotion were boiling to the surface. 

These are some of the take-aways I got from the chapter on the Scorpio “path” or “phase,” one which I connect to heavily and experience more than perhaps any other zodiac path, which makes sense given how Scorpio-heavy my chart is and how robust the placements of my planets in Scorpio are: 

‘Her ultimate destiny is to transform and purify her love and her sexual nature, and if she finds her intensity being repressed in this area, she internalizes it and becomes physically ill.’

Some other deeply applicable quotes:

‘Scorpios must find a source of meaningful recognition outside of their romantic relationships, or they will grow extremely resentful, so competition, work, and serious study are excellent for preventing this and delegating energy that would otherwise be wasted to fruitful ventures.’

‘Scorpios are by nature drawn to sex, money, power, and death. Their calling is to be deeply familiar with these areas of life and represent them in new, better, mold-breaking ways. Personal power, sexual expression and healing, and a steward of earthly abundance.’ 

‘The Scorpio woman is fascinating but not always easy and likable.’

‘Scorpios will go through phases of sexual intimacy, domination, and asceticism more than once in their lifetimes. Scorpios may use sex as a means of gaining power, but it is most significant to them as a form of releasing sacred passions, or of worship.’

‘Scorpio naturally fabricates an elusive picture of themselves to others in order to remain unseen and secretive. Scorpio enjoys keeping secrets for the sake of secrecy.’ 

I need to go to bed soon, but I’d soon like to create mantras based on these things, with special focus on my intuitive and psychic abilities, my ability to gain power over money (King of Coins energy), and my emotional intensity (especially as it pertains to enacting my will and expressing my sexuality).

I also read the chapter on Libras, and while it didn’t connect with me nearly as much as the Scorpio chapter, I did relate to the comments about Libras essentially being divas, seeing themselves as “grand dames” and expecting to be treated as such by their romantic partners. The book also mentioned being artistic by nature and obsessively surrounding oneself with beautiful details. 

Oh!

Another synchronicity: My Spotify playlist for spiritual practice and rituals led me to a song called “The Harbinger” from an album by Julianna Barwick called “Nepenthe.” This hearkened to an earlier comment in Sex Signs which stated that Scorpios are harbingers. I can’t remember the context in which it said Scorpios were harbingers, but it’s been a significantly long time since I’ve encountered that word, and it means, “something that foreshadows what is to come” or “one that initiates a major change : a person or thing that originates or helps open up a new activity, method, or technology.” 

The only other time I’ve encountered the word “nepenthe” was in “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe. I dressed up as an unhinged dominatrix crow goddess last night, and it’s hilarious how on point that description is to everything Sex Signs had to say about Scorpios and their life paths. 

This is all a lot to think about.

On Saturday night Viking Man and I saw the new Nicolas Cage movie Renfield, which was a great idea executed with mediocrity. We visited Water Witch afterward and drank cocktails, and then went back to my place and had sex. The next morning he told me he dreamed that we were spending time together and saw a big mushroom cloud in the distance, and then we started fucking until the cloud consumed us. 

I obviously don’t know what that means entirely, but it does seem to indicate that fucking me and being fucked by me brings out a sense of no abandon for him. And that’s nice because it’s something I know I can contribute. It makes sense that he would be drawn to that in me, because in him I am drawn to the sense of comfort and safety he makes me feel.

That’s all for now. It feels nice to form my thoughts and feelings into words. My brain and I have become a lot more nonverbal lately, which is special and exciting, but I also want to maintain a more literal and not only poetic mastery of language. 

May my dreams this evening be haunted by gorgeous and benevolent messengers of the Universe. 

Thus is shall be, Amen. 

/

P.S. I had the idea for an inexpensive and gorgeous room project: printing off large letters that spell out my poems, cutting them out and covering my walls in them! I think it would be magical, especially if the extra special and symbolic words were larger. Maybe I’ll go to the library tomorrow after work and print them off. 

I also need to clean, grab wine, acquire a Roku, and curl my hair. Viking is coming over, and we’re going to watch a horror movie double feature and talk about the direction our relationship is going to take. 

/

P.P.S. I had a sex dream about my manager last night. He had a huge cock and was edging me. I’m disgusted by him in real life, but somehow the dream made him more tolerable to me today? He is leaving for good in a month anyway, so whatever. Just goes to show that sometimes it is best to let things smooth over and take their own course (i.e. I’m glad I didn’t put myself in jeopardy by going to HR only to find out that he was going to leave anyway).

/

apocalypse, girl

April 13, 2023

I’m listening to Jenny Hval’s album “Apocalypse, girl.” Everything she makes is beautiful and resonates with me in a familiar, spiritual, and hereditary way. I listen to her music when I do rituals like tarot and poetry, and I want to do mushrooms soon and listen to her. I need a couple more months of grounding, then a successful home mushroom trip and desert mushroom trip. 

A, Viking Man, Malibu Barbie and I all talked about a trip to Goblin Valley this Summer. Utah State Parks let you bring dogs, and A grows mushrooms. 

Today was mediocre.

I started my period and was irritable and had an annoying interaction with Antonio. I hate working with and for straight men. They lack empathy and interpersonal abilities. They lack creativity and taste, and the world is made for them, so all of these extremely bad qualities go unchecked and grow stronger like gross bacteria in a petri dish.

I want the end of my life to involve me slowly rotting and becoming insane with a group of trusted lady-witches out in the woods. Maybe one or two deeply worthy and trustworthy men. 

I want to spend the next 30 years of my life working hard, establishing a legacy of art and service, making love, becoming deeply acquainted with my sensuality, sexuality, spirituality, intellect, creativity, and connectedness to the rest of Nature and the Universe. Then in my retirement practicing witchcraft in a small house, supporting and being supported by a group of other witches as I slowly lose all connection with modern society.

I’d also like a time in my youth or mid-life to live alone in the country or in the woods, away from others. I’ve also considered establishing a routine of 3 weeks hard work in the city followed by 1 week of hiding away in the woods, camping and becoming an animal again. 

I am feeling more aware of my truest values right now. In particular, despite being in a developing romantic relationship/situation with Viking Man, I’m starting to see that what I mostly want out of life in terms of relationships is to be close with women only, with few exceptions.

I’m also feeling more motivated to stick to routine and take care of the grounding, base needs of my life, like my physical and mental health, my finances, protecting my time, controlling my thoughts to be more constructive to my success, going on trips, and overall exercising my will. 

I trust that the Universe supports me in this.

/

sex cult of thespian goddesses

April 11, 2023, 1:21 AM

I think my personal record-keeping has fluctuated out of control. These days the scattered thoughts I put into my notes are the truest insight into what’s going on in my brain during the day. Too many apps. 

I do want to get into a consistent habit of writing in a legitimate “diary” because my life and my thoughts are worth recording! Truthfully my life is BIZARRE, and that’s because I’m a bizarre person. 

Today I went on a picnic at Memory Grove with Viking Man, his best friend Malibu Barbie, and my coworker who introduced us. I feel intuitively that things with Viking are becoming more attached in both directions. In subtle ways I can feel him sharing his inner world with me and relaxing more into the present. The sex is also solid, especially because I feel physically safe around him, and his body makes me feel sexy and in a sexy mood. He is large, strong, gentle, respectful, and compassionate. And the things he cares about are good things. 

I appreciate his temperament, and it has crossed my mind that his disposition would make him a wonderful partner for someone like me who is emotionally turbulent sometimes, and scatter-brained. That said, I hold shame around being scatter-brained in such a way that makes me feel ultimately burdensome to someone who isn’t. I should probably unpack that. 

The picnic was great. We ate bruschetta and drank champagne while the dogs ran around. Today was the first real day of Spring, and everyone was feeling grateful to be outside. Momo got to run around and exercise her beautiful little body, and she is resting in my bed now instead of begging me to pet her. I love her so much and want her to be happy.

Last night Viking and I did taxes together and drank Aperol Spritzes. I felt deeply accomplished and excited to complete that task, because the ides of March are stressful, and now I’m going to receive a nice $700 dollars or so and pay off some of my credit card and get a bicycle! I also realized that last year was the most income I’ve ever made, even more than my mom has ever made. I am proud of myself. I have a lot to learn, but I continue to grow so much and so well! 

After taxes Viking and I watched the film X, which weirdly-but-not-so-weirdly made me horny. We had sex afterward, during which there was a part where I was fucking him and just talking casually. It felt yummy! Truthfully it is a RARE thing, at least for me, to fuck someone who makes me comfortable enough to enjoy my own sexuality. I hope I make him feel comfortable to access that in himself too. 

After we went to sleep I had this dream … these are the notes I took today as soon as I woke up (also Viking brought me a breakfast burrito while I slept in, which was really sweet): 

The story of becoming a thespian at a Magical Art School:

Everyone there was extremely beautiful, large, wearing ornate clothing of their own making, very sensual, very sexual, very welcoming and kind and wise and full of encouragement. 

Everything I could think of, the extent of beauty I could imagine immediately appeared for me. All the women there were GORGEOUS. A cult of thespian goddesses. 

I could expand upward and look out over the entire universe. The United States was a TINY portion of the overall land. The beauty and grandeur of it was overwhelming me such that I was crying uncontrollably. 

At one point, a large, gorgeous boar ran toward me. It had chosen me to pet it, but I wouldn’t because I wasn’t sure if it was “clean.” But I pulled it into my embrace, and it exuded such a perfect, purifying energy that I instantaneously began sobbing out all my pain.

This dream image has confirmed to me that I will no longer eat any form of pig meat.

During the dream I at first felt like an intruder but quickly came to realize that I was brought there through a portal by magical forces, and the magical forces started to take over my being. I felt completely comfortable being sensual, and my expression of sensuality with women was extremely natural. I was wearing beautiful, one-of-a-kind clothing of my own making, and the people there looked to me as an inspiration and as an equal. 

One thing about this dream that really sticks out to me is the freedom with which I went in and out of making love with women, and how good it felt. 

This makes me think, especially in tandem with what having sex with Viking is like, that at my core I am a beautiful sex goddess, and I don’t need to overthink my pleasure or distrust my intentions with sex or with my understanding of my own body. I know what I want and what I like, and I shouldn’t feel obligated to have sex with anyone I don’t want to or at any point that sex doesn’t appeal.

If the feeling is right, if the attraction and lure and sense of safety is there, it will happen naturally.

I allow myself to feel what I feel. 

/