sex cult of thespian goddesses

April 11, 2023, 1:21 AM

I think my personal record-keeping has fluctuated out of control. These days the scattered thoughts I put into my notes are the truest insight into what’s going on in my brain during the day. Too many apps. 

I do want to get into a consistent habit of writing in a legitimate “diary” because my life and my thoughts are worth recording! Truthfully my life is BIZARRE, and that’s because I’m a bizarre person. 

Today I went on a picnic at Memory Grove with Viking Man, his best friend Malibu Barbie, and my coworker who introduced us. I feel intuitively that things with Viking are becoming more attached in both directions. In subtle ways I can feel him sharing his inner world with me and relaxing more into the present. The sex is also solid, especially because I feel physically safe around him, and his body makes me feel sexy and in a sexy mood. He is large, strong, gentle, respectful, and compassionate. And the things he cares about are good things. 

I appreciate his temperament, and it has crossed my mind that his disposition would make him a wonderful partner for someone like me who is emotionally turbulent sometimes, and scatter-brained. That said, I hold shame around being scatter-brained in such a way that makes me feel ultimately burdensome to someone who isn’t. I should probably unpack that. 

The picnic was great. We ate bruschetta and drank champagne while the dogs ran around. Today was the first real day of Spring, and everyone was feeling grateful to be outside. Momo got to run around and exercise her beautiful little body, and she is resting in my bed now instead of begging me to pet her. I love her so much and want her to be happy.

Last night Viking and I did taxes together and drank Aperol Spritzes. I felt deeply accomplished and excited to complete that task, because the ides of March are stressful, and now I’m going to receive a nice $700 dollars or so and pay off some of my credit card and get a bicycle! I also realized that last year was the most income I’ve ever made, even more than my mom has ever made. I am proud of myself. I have a lot to learn, but I continue to grow so much and so well! 

After taxes Viking and I watched the film X, which weirdly-but-not-so-weirdly made me horny. We had sex afterward, during which there was a part where I was fucking him and just talking casually. It felt yummy! Truthfully it is a RARE thing, at least for me, to fuck someone who makes me comfortable enough to enjoy my own sexuality. I hope I make him feel comfortable to access that in himself too. 

After we went to sleep I had this dream … these are the notes I took today as soon as I woke up (also Viking brought me a breakfast burrito while I slept in, which was really sweet): 

The story of becoming a thespian at a Magical Art School:

Everyone there was extremely beautiful, large, wearing ornate clothing of their own making, very sensual, very sexual, very welcoming and kind and wise and full of encouragement. 

Everything I could think of, the extent of beauty I could imagine immediately appeared for me. All the women there were GORGEOUS. A cult of thespian goddesses. 

I could expand upward and look out over the entire universe. The United States was a TINY portion of the overall land. The beauty and grandeur of it was overwhelming me such that I was crying uncontrollably. 

At one point, a large, gorgeous boar ran toward me. It had chosen me to pet it, but I wouldn’t because I wasn’t sure if it was “clean.” But I pulled it into my embrace, and it exuded such a perfect, purifying energy that I instantaneously began sobbing out all my pain.

This dream image has confirmed to me that I will no longer eat any form of pig meat.

During the dream I at first felt like an intruder but quickly came to realize that I was brought there through a portal by magical forces, and the magical forces started to take over my being. I felt completely comfortable being sensual, and my expression of sensuality with women was extremely natural. I was wearing beautiful, one-of-a-kind clothing of my own making, and the people there looked to me as an inspiration and as an equal. 

One thing about this dream that really sticks out to me is the freedom with which I went in and out of making love with women, and how good it felt. 

This makes me think, especially in tandem with what having sex with Viking is like, that at my core I am a beautiful sex goddess, and I don’t need to overthink my pleasure or distrust my intentions with sex or with my understanding of my own body. I know what I want and what I like, and I shouldn’t feel obligated to have sex with anyone I don’t want to or at any point that sex doesn’t appeal.

If the feeling is right, if the attraction and lure and sense of safety is there, it will happen naturally.

I allow myself to feel what I feel. 

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