sober, I hardly know’er!
May 20, 2023, 7:55 PM
I truly have no sense of time, so I’m just going to go over some recent, notable experiences.
I am still dating Viking Man, but 90% of the time I’m with him I don’t really feel like he is being present, and he doesn’t provide enough vulnerability for me to really attach to him. It’s frustrating, and while it doesn’t normally bother me, I’m feeling moody as of late, and it is bothering me now.
I’m going to Goblin Valley with him in a couple of weekends and we’re going to do Molly, so I’m interested to see what sort of emotional outcome that experience will create in our dynamic.
I’ve also been seeing Lou, but she has been in a horrible mood lately, and almost everything she says is a complaint or a whine, and it’s affecting my overall mood to spend time with her. It’s frustrating because I see a lot of beautiful things about her, and she is an actual real person unlike most of the people here in Utah, but I see some glaring immaturities in her that I don’t like. They remind me of when I used to be unmedicated and also in a constant negative headspace, around the time that I was with The Magician.
I also stopped drinking.
I’m in a bet with Lou and a mutual friend from work, and we each put in $100, so whoever wins gets $300. I am determined to win, not only because of the money, but because I am ready to not be an alcoholic. It’s expensive and negatively affects my mood and my physical health. Not to mention, I don’t want to be dependent on substances for my charisma.
I deserve to develop my skills in a way that benefits my growth. I also don’t want to depend on substances to feel sexy or comfortable in sex. I don’t want to numb my senses and “kick the can up the road” so to speak, in terms of listening to my body’s messages and taking my time healing what needs to be healed. Without alcohol my sexual experiences will be fewer and require more trust, and that is okay.
That means the only sexual experiences I enter into will be safe and authentic to how I’m really feeling. If I numb my body in order to have sex, that prolongs my ability to get through what I need to get through in order to feel safe being a sexual person again.
I’m still not exercising nearly as much financial restraint as I want for myself, and that also stresses me out. I need a saving’s account for fuck’s sake! I also want a car. I’m so sick of not being able to take long drives by myself.
Cars are just annoying as fuck to own. And expensive. It’s expensive to own a car, and it’s expensive not to own a car. Annoying, but true.
The Club has been a shit show as of late, and management is fake as fuck. Lacking integrity in a major way. Lacking authenticity in a major way. That said, they are paying me what I think is fair, and there are plenty of opportunities for learning there and building my resume so that when I move, I’ll be a contender pretty much anywhere I want to work in the service industry while I find a clientele for my death doula practice.
That’s all for now. Going to read, maybe listen to music, walk Momo. I’m at Lou’s doing my laundry right now.
I am tired all the time, and I can’t figure out what the issue is. I haven’t written poetry much lately. Feeling so airy.
/
