another breakup!

July 13, 2021

I was ruminating on my divorce to the Magician and what a painful experience that was for me.
I was screaming at Carole and Papa and constantly crying, feeling intense loneliness, insanity, and betrayal.
I have to honor and remember what I’ve been through and give myself compassion.
Right now I feel angry and suspicious towards Constable, and resentful, and I don’t know why …

Much of it I’m sure comes from the recent breakup of the Triumvirate.
My desire to stay connected and feel validated overrode my resentment, pain, and anger at how Constable handled things.
He hasn’t taken any responsibility and hasn’t therefore tried to make any reparations.
I have been feeling so dismissed by him, and when we all fucked last night I felt angry and turned off by him.

I know he has a lot going on with his band, but it seems like he has enough energy to vibe with Femme.
It makes me not want to give a fuck.
He makes me feel taken for granted while also feeling controlled:
If his boundaries with sex involve me not having sex with other boys, I expect an added level of sensitivity for my sexual needs,
which involve feeling safe, cared for, and sought after EQUALLY.

I’ve just felt extremely irritable over the past week, and I can’t tell if and to what extent it’s due to:
the heat
the lack of solitude
an excess of labor
an unmet emotional need
an unmet physical need

Moving in with Constable and Femme is bringing a lot of fear to the forefront of my mind.

/