waxing sapphic-poetic
March 04, 2021
I’m euphoric.
I just spent an intimate afternoon with Dragon. We rollerbladed around Liberty Park—catching Eva and La Femme along the way, briefly—and then went to Blue Boutique and looked at lesbian sex toys.
When we got back, I got high and Dragon read me her prose. It was intoxicating. She has a sardonic, contemporary, graphic, and surreal style of writing that flows naturally from her. I have always admired her use of language to express her complex thoughts, but only recently became privy to the fact that she is a writer the night that she read me some of her poetry at LL’s house. I told her I was scared of physical intimacy because I couldn’t imagine that anyone would want to be touched by me, and she held me and said that anyone would be lucky to experience my touch. Then we cuddled on the couch and I told her that my heart was racing, and she accepted me with my staggered breathing, and at the end of the night we ended up on the floor, both facing the ceiling, and she read me her poetry.
She asked me to hold her again this evening, and I asked her how she wanted to be held, and she showed me. She put her head on my shoulder and put my arm around her and then synchronized her breath with mine. We talked about the magick of words and psycho-analyzed The Rooster (LOL—I love that we both love him so much and can roast him to each other, knowing that the other won’t respect him less after the conversation). She expressed that she feels a block with him in intimacy because part of her feels like sex is going to be expected and that if she lays down a boundary with him then he will abandon her as a friend.
I told her that when I laid down a boundary about physical intimacy with him it showed me just how much he loved me unconditionally and how it increased our intimacy so much. Neither of us fears crossing an invisible line because the line is visible, and knowing where that line is opens up all the space we thought could be restricted but actually isn’t, like deep emotional intimacy and some physical intimacy, like cuddling and occasional kissing. I’m irritated with him right now because he treated me about my relationship with Esme, but he is as emotionally available as he can be, and he gives me so much love. I also am able to see clearly why he is acting the way he is and not get too wrapped up in what it means in terms of my worth. I guess I also do worry that if he has another woman in his life, he won’t want me as his friend. That is a valid concern because it has been the truth in the past, but that has since been proven to be untrue. Dragon told me that Rooster told her that if it came between his ex and me, he would choose me, no question. He’s still being a fucking bitch though, and it’s disappointing that I’m having to adjust my expectations about our emotional intimacy because he won’t hold space for my perspective.
Dragon told me that she wanted to kiss me tonight but that she didn’t want to bring upon either of our lives the repercussions of acting from her pain. Things are unsettled with LL. I wasn’t ready for a kiss anyway, but the level of intimacy that came with her expressing that, and the subsequent euphoria, is still in my body. I love her so much. I would love to kiss her and experience her physical energy. I think it would be beautiful and true. When we were holding each other I could feel such oceanic passion from her towards me, and I was swimming in it completely naked. I think I am looking for that kind of openness and vulnerability with Constable and Femme, but it is so difficult for me because they have been married so long, and I feel like an imposter. It’s unfortunate that I have that wound, because they are emotionally available and love me, and I know the potential for their depth of love is deep and wide. And mine for them. I ultimately don’t want to be one in a pair anyway. I want to be one of a kind and experience other people’s “ness” in deep love without loss of self.
Constable told me last night that Femme presented the idea to him of posting about me—and thereby in a way coming out as both bisexual and polyamorous—on Instagram. I’ve been sitting with the idea since last night. I trust them enough and am confident enough in the idea that I want to be polyamorous, and I think I’d like to come out as well, as both bisexual and as polyamorous.
Ultimately, I feel deep magnetism with all genders, and I’m confident in that despite being insecure about the sexual expression of that. Magnetism is attraction, and sometimes it’s a given and sometimes it’s built over time, but it is unmistakable, and I definitely feel it for all kinds. I feel like any human I find physically beautiful who will go extremely deep with me, who will allow me to lay myself bare, I will fall in love with one way or another, who inspires me, ignites my sexual desire as well as the artist within me. I feel in a place in my relationships where I am truly deeply in love with the people in my life, with my mom, with Rooster, Jarrith, Dragon, and Constable and Femme (although these relationships are still developing). I think I can sense when people have the depth and breadth I desire, and it magnetizes me to them. If I find that that depth isn’t there, the attraction falls away.
Truly my attraction to the Magician has faded to the dullest flame imaginable. I think he has intensely beautiful attributes and I understand why he lacks the depth that I wanted to experience in him, but I have accepted that he isn’t at that place and won’t be for perhaps many years. I won’t push him to love me when he still wants to destroy me, and I can feel that palpably from him. I trust my intuition. Some days I don’t, but my intuition is my god, and my faith in it is ultimately intrinsic to my existence and accessible at any point if I am still. What a beautiful thing.
And I am pressing forward with everything.
Once Dragon figures out her feelings about polyamory, I’ll know how to approach the situation. I guess I really don’t want to access a level of intimacy with her that I can’t sustain. I don’t want to kiss her and fall in love with her and lose that connection because non-monogamy makes her feel unsafe (which would be completely fair). At the same time, I’d like to be able to just give space to the fact that greater or equal intimacy could one day come. I’d like to be able to trust my ability to grieve and relinquish expectations for the romantic and sexual positioning of intimacy between us at any point going forward so that I can just accept the possibilities of the present.
I think I just realized I need to love someone to have good sex with them. At least consistently good sex. If a person knows me and I know them, and if we are merging our bodies, I need to love them in order to express anything juicy in my body and to know that I am giving as well as receiving. I don’t like to receive love that I can’t reciprocate. This afternoon at the park, Dragon and I hugged each other and said I love you. Dragon said “I’d like to think my love for you is unconditional,” and I said, “I’m sure it’s not,” and we laughed.
I am blessed brightly. I receive inspiration from the universe in the form of words. Poetry comes as naturally to me as some people experience sex or dance. It is an inner drive for creation as intrinsic and undeniable as sexual reproduction. In Poppy’s words, I think it’s “inspiration driven by a practiced hand.” I know when something I write in poetry is alive and when it is dead. It also works with my ADHD brain (or whatever kind of brain you would call it) because I don’t sit and move from point A to point B. I write things as they come to me, and over a period of several months, I end up with a giant clusterfuck of ideas and symbols in the form of words, and I arrange them as they were meant to be, like a bouquet of poetry.
After I wrote The Magician and the Fool and I was able to recognize that process in retrospect, I could let some pressure off what I was doing “wrong” and “right” in terms of my logistical process and accept that I am a conduit and that poems will come because my mental and emotional worlds process themselves that way and have their own process already ingrained.
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