seven of wands
August 5, 2021
“Let go of your doubts, say yes! Let it soak up into the flesh. Never had this kind of nutrition.”
Grief is psychedelic. Grief is pleasure.
Seven of Wands: Remain steadfast within. Take control in a situation, manage responsibilities, and succeed.
I feel hurt, undervalued, and resentful that no one in the Triumvirate is checking in to see how I’m doing.
Constable and Femme have both said and done things to me that have hurt and have not healed. They both do things that make me not trust them or their love for me. Sometimes I wonder about what kind of love I want or need, because the trademark monogamous marriage relationship that was taught to me my whole life is NOT it. But that means really anything else could go.
The love that I have felt most purely is the love I give myself, and the love from Carole and Papa. I have always trusted them and feel celebrated for my core self.
I don’t feel safe or celebrated as an emotional person by Constable or Femme. I wish that they were both a little more soft and squishy inside instead of prickly and unavailable. Constable is really harsh with himself and other people, and I don’t often feel tenderness from him. When I do it’s my favorite version of him.
Femme hasn’t been operating out of her emotions at all lately, and it makes me feel unwanted. In general with Femme I feel my emotions are unwanted because it’s just another emotional burden in addition to Constable’s. It sucks because most of who I am is emotion. That makes it impossible for me to attach.
Healthy attachment is really hard for me in this dynamic. I still don’t feel the confidence that we are a strong, weathered, trusting, uplifting team for each other or that they are going to even be in my life for another year. They feel like family in some ways, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is sustainable long-term.
I also fear, based on Constable essentially saying so, that he isn’t strong enough to hold my feelings, even ones that don’t have to do with him. He can hardly withstand his own.
That really shuts me down, because my intensity is something that I value very much, and I don’t share it with but a tiny select few who I want to know me. Basically it feels like Constable is saying he isn’t strong enough to know me fully, because me sharing what is really going on inside of me upsets him. It makes me feel so rejected to think that, although he says he wants to know me fully, the reality of that is actually not what he wants or is capable of.
That’s enough for tonight.
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