evil and out for blood
February 06, 2022
A lifetime or two has passed.
I’m feeling a deeper sense of not giving a fuck about Constable and Femme. They are peasants.
Patrick basically kicked me out of the studio. He acted like a toxic male, and it was gross. Tried to tell me I couldn’t bring men there. I’m relieved in hindsight because he was giving anger-retentive-moody-wannabe-bad-boy vibes.
Poet and I are no longer friends. I told him I wouldn’t be friends with him if he continued to nurture romantic feelings about me, and he said he wasn’t interested unless he could “be amongst the loved.”
I am feeling full of power and evil and loneliness. I want to be evil, but I don’t know where to allocate my evil feelings. I could translate them all into seduction, but there are no people I’m attracted to. And no one who matches my chaos. Even Constable was too weak to become evil together, although he did have the proclivities, which is more than most.
Most boys in Salt Lake City are beanie-wearing hipster bros with pretend artistic sensitivities and no palpable or embodied femme energy. Disappointing.
I have a small crush on my barback. He and I drove around the Avenues this evening, walked around Miller Park Wildlife Reserve in the snow, and then he told me some spooky stories while we walked around Memory Grove. I went home afterward and ended up writing for over an hour and listening to opera. I am wearing his aquamarine earring that he lent me. The sign of Taurus.
Right now I want to make $$$, get past financial and emotional survival into a consistent thrive, have great sex and grow as a creative and writer. I feel a strong “fuck people” vibe right now. I trigger strong negative reactions from people often enough to make me feel isolated and in danger.
I just feel an itch in me. I am out for blood, and there is a danger to my spirit if I go into the extreme. Although … unknowns always feel like danger. Maybe I should start viewing the unknown as safer than what is sure.
That feels true.
But what do I do with all my love and magick? Where do I put it? How do I satisfy and elate myself with it? I want to feel like I am part of something revolutionary. During the most isolated times in American history and in a place where the prevailing counterculture defines itself in violent, jaded separateness from the rest of the world.
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