my hysterical, wandering uterus
I’m off my meds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >:) >:( for now. Testing it out.
So far I’m definitely feeling extreme bouts of rage and much more emotion, which isn’t surprising and is a relief in its own way, especially considering the main reason I am attempting going off of my meds FLUOXETINE 20MG ONCExDAILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is because I can feel the effects of “not feeling” in my body. I haven’t cried more than a handful of times since 2022.
In 2023, I got married and started a tumultuous relationship which has sucked the life force out of me in many ways. I had an abortion, for which I took 1 single day off of work to undergo the physical process. In 2024 Lairen died, and we still don’t know the full truth about the circumstances surrounding her death. Then Emma betrayed and abandoned me the day after Lairen’s funeral. I also spent a traumatic night in jail. ETC. ETC. ETC. To say nothing of the fact that the United States has fully spiraled out of “democracy” and into a fascist takeover. It’s impossible to imagine a future here right now, especially with an immigrant husband. And I’ve only cried a handful of times.
Also I don’t even want a husband!
I’m over it! I don’t know why any woman would want to be with any man! Which just goes to show how truly jilted I feel in love.
And all of this has been felt by my body and never processed in my mind. Meds have helped me to survive but have also just kicked the can up the road for me, since the pain, shock, and repression of my ability to act freely still lives in me.
My relational skills toward my own psyche, intuition, inner child, etc. have atrophied. I feel like I’ve communicated to my own body that I don’t have the mental capacity to hear what it has to say … but I’m SO full of rage, sometimes it overtakes me. The other day I was rocking back and forth on the ground, screaming and crying like a fucking psycho because I was so angry, and it was triggered by something completely disproportionate when considered in a vacuum, but I know it was attached to the ancestral GRIEF of being born in a female-coded body.
To have been born without my consent an innocent shrieking pink blob with a barely-formed vulva and still be met with such cruel and life-determining curses like: “This child will be a wonderful WIFE!” And what that really entails in the heteronormative Christian worldview is cleaning up after a lazy motherfucker who manipulates you (with society at large as his henchmen) into believing that to cook, clean, birth and raise children, repress your sexual nature, your creative and intellectual nature, your bodily autonomy, your freedom to love and connect meaningfully outside of marriage and to do so with a spirit of gratitude, denying your rage, is the PRICE you must pay in order to have a husband, when in reality he needs you more than you could ever really need him.
I feel sickened in all possible psychosomatic ways when I don’t have access to my deep-seated desires. If I feel there is no possibility of acting out any of my deepest fantasies, I lose the will to live. In other words, I lose all libido.
But what queer woman in her 30s born with the planets of sex, romance, death, rebirth, taboo, and transformation in the sign of Scorpio wouldn’t lose her libido when met with the hideousness of modern humanity? Why is it so unusual to find a sexual context in which safety, curiosity, ecstasy, acceptance, respect and joy can take place naturally? I BLAME THE FUCKING CHRISTIANS. Or any religion that demonizes humanity’s Pagan values.
True creativity, connection to nature and one’s own intellectual, sexual, emotional and spiritual limits is a human being’s natural expression. For me personally, these are the aspects of existence that drive me to stay alive. Even from a purely biological perspective, being unable to express the lust of the body or the strangeness of the mind, unable to move and think wildly, is a major boner killer and therefore against nature. It’s no wonder that, since the origins of patriarchy, women have been accused of “hysteria” or of a “wandering uterus.” Even just owning a uterus in a patriarchal society that illegalizes abortion is literally living in the plot of a body horror movie!
How can sex be delicious and freeing when the only context you know is a gross beastly man who smells and sounds and makes love like a farm animal inseminating you with a parasitic life force that is going to torture your body all hours of the day and night for 9 months and leave you with permanent bodily trauma and little to no free time for decades? NOT SEXY.
I can’t wait to be infertile. Perhaps until that day comes I will only make love to women. I used to love semen, but what can I say except that living in a capitalist-AI-driven-techno-feudalist hellscape under which I may be forced to perform childbirth has ruined the thought of taking backshots for me??
Why am I horny all of a sudden though? LOL!!!!
I started my period today, which could be why I’m feeling so randy. But getting penetrated isn’t going to satiate whatever the fuck kind of sexual desire is creating tumult inside of my sacral space and making its way into my dreams, making me fantasize about crazy things. I fear I may not be able to find someone who can fuck me the way I really need. And I have been told so by a couple of men. But to be fair, I want to have sex that is so lovely and juicy that it lasts an entire day, and most men aren’t capable of that mentally. I have only encountered one and he was a total weirdo of a person. During sex he was authoritative, kinky, talkative, interesting, and dominant while still being respectful, and then outside of that a total weirdo. I don’t know. Maybe he used Black Magic.
I think it would be nice to be married to a man who is a gentle sweetheart 90% of the time, but turns into a Vampire beast with a tentacle dick and insatiable thirst for blood during sex. Or any dark-haired woman with a strap-on.
Anyway, that’s enough for today.
XO,
Lady Baudelaire
