desire

I’ve been feeling really bummed today. I’m not sure what it is, maybe desire.

In part it is definitely the impending major changes in my life, and the grief that is going to accompany said change. Stressing about money always makes me feel depressed in the sense that I feel immobile, or stuck. The Club closing for a week is definitely going to impact my wealth for the next couple of weeks, and I haven’t heard back from the other restaurant yet.

I also found out yesterday that my tuition is going to cost me $3,000 total for 2 classes rather than approximately $1,300. I should have looked into that earlier, but so much is going on right now. I need to lock down what my days are going to look like and how I am going to manage. Working 50 hours a week and going to school part-time is, I fear, going to suck the life force out of me even more than it has already been sucked.

In short, I have a lot of opportunities right now that are requiring me to show up and be a force of nature, and all I want to do is sleep. I am looking at the road ahead and fearing that it is going to drag on forever. I just want to be teaching now. I want my higher, stable income with summers off now.

Maybe what I need to be focusing on the most right now are the few things at once that I can, including mantras that help me stay optimistic, grateful, and empowered rather than fearful. And accepting that I can’t do everything I want to do at once. I won’t have time for making crafts or frequent socializing. I won’t have the capacity to drink really ever, because I know that will fuck my energy for days following.

Basically all I’m going to have energy for is work, school, my appointments, a few social experiences each month, and exercise. I am going to need to exercise discipline with my diet and exercise in order to pull all of this off, and that is stressing me too, because I haven’t shown a lot of discipline in that arena since getting long Covid.

I know this is going to affect my relationships too, since I won’t be as available to talk or be present.

Another major reason I’ve been feeling bummed is that I don’t feel sexy, and I don’t feel like my core self, which is a sensual, mysterious, art house girly. I never go on spooky walks anymore (because I live in a dangerous area), and now that I think about it, that was my main inspiration for writing poetry: the movement, the mood of the evenings alone. That’s also what I loved most about Laurel Manor, living next to a large spooky walking area.

Some wishes I have for my life right now are as follows: blonde bob, academic success, including scholarships and all As, walks in nature, living alone in a charming apartment building with Momo, and forming a community around myself.

I’m falling victim to nostalgia lately, remembering the times I spent with The Triumvirate in the Kensington apartments in late 2020, and the special way we brought in the New Year that year. I feel like I was so much wilder then, more chaotic, more free somehow even though I was broke.