music + marriage
Currently listening to Nico’s 1970 album Desertshore. She is most famous for her collaboration with the Velvet Underground, or her album “Chelsea, girl.” Both are chamber pop/folk rock and of the distinct Summer of ‘69 feel. Desertshore is more experimental and witchy. The opening track, “Janitor Of Lunacy” has a bunch of synth and harpsichord, and Nico bellowing haunting poetry in minor chords. It’s kind of like a dark hymn.
Tolerate my jealousy
Recognize the desperate need
Janitor of lunacy
Identify my destiny
Revive the living dream
Forgive their begging scream
Seal the giving of their seed
Disease the breathing grief
I have a Nico autobiography on my bookshelf called You Are Beautiful and You Are Alone, which I have yet to read, but the title alone is gorgeous (and is a line from the song “Afraid” in Desertshore), and so is the Paris green spine of the book.
I did 30 minutes of stretch-intensive yoga and took a hot shower, and it pulled me out of a depressive mini-episode. I feel exhausted all the time and haven’t been taking joy in things. It feels like this is going to last my whole life, and sometimes I find myself mentally despairing big time.
“To despair is to turn your back on God.”
I started thinking deeply about how my ADHD and delayed circadian rhythm make routine especially hard. I naturally want to sleep at 5AM and wake up around noon. The only time I have ever woken naturally was during Covid, and I would go to sleep at 7 and wake up at 3, without fail. And that is the most rested I have ever been.
It seriously sucks so bad, because to be a Spanish teacher or to work in academia at all I would be waking at 7 and finishing my day at 3, so working through my entire sleep cycle, never really getting any restorative sleep. :(
Perhaps I can force myself during the school year to stick to an early schedule, and then during the summer work an independent artist’s schedule and work from wherever I’d like.
I’ve always wanted to spend a summer in Paris. Golden’s music production business is going well and bringing in a significant amount of money, even after a few months. I’m sure after a few years he could grow his business into something he could do remotely for a few months each summer.
Forming lifelong habits and maintaining discipline are not easy.
My habits will one day give me a life in which art, love, magic, intimacy, learning, and nature make up most of my days, and when I’m retired, all of my days. My ideal last 2o years of life involve me living in a small, self-sustained hut in the woods.
I wonder what Golden imagines for his life as an older man. He is passionate about Peruvian food, music production, and being a good son and husband. Those are the places that touch him most deeply and which form his core. He also loves to hustle for his money and accomplish financial goals, but hopefully that creates enough wealth in his life that he won’t feel the need to prioritize it more than his joy.
The fact that we are both artists and are deeply passionate about creating is a core value in our marriage. We will be in the apartment together working in separate rooms for hours, him on making and producing music, and me on writing, reading, drawing. I love that I have so much space to work creatively, as well as motivation, because I know he is doing the same. I’m super attracted to the quality of discipline and dedication to a craft or vocation, and I love that Golden enjoys his art so much and is already making money from it.
He also has the loveliest face, a cute accent, a personality strong enough to complement and combat mine, an intrinsic and ever-powerful sense of motivation, a strong sense of self, and a natural and deep loyalty and sense of humor. It is also nice to have a partner that doesn’t have a chronic mental health disorder. Horrible to say, but given how high-maintenance my own mental health is for me, I’m grateful that my partner is emotionally stable so that we aren’t exacerbating each other during cycles of mania, however small.
We’re both children born under Venus.
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