poetry and solitude
March 01, 2020
I’ve been struggling to complete an entry. I wonder why.
Perhaps it’s because, on the one hand, words are becoming much more meaningful to me.
In the past I used words to process situations and trusted others’ words at face value.
I still use words to process, but it feels so much more inventive than it ever has. Now that I’m not blindly following another system of beliefs, and now that I’m not limited so much by my ego or by philosophical pessimism, I’m using my mind to understand—and love and embrace—the spiritual truths that exist within the coding of my being.
And I do so with so much more confidence and creativity.
I look to no authority in writing except my own direct connection to the divine. I “take dictation from God.”
I trust and value my aesthetic taste and love it so much, and also my ability to create beauty in my expression of truth. All of it fills me with existential humility.
I’ve also been reciting poems and incorporating poetry into my life as a ritual and as a way of imploring the Universe to bring me strength. It has made me a lot more present, expressing pain through the texture of words that resonate in the same aesthetic vibration of what I’m feeling. Praying to the Universe and tapping into feelings and feeling them so strongly.
I feel a deeper connection to my intuition than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I’m much more self-aware, mentally and physically. I feel strong. When I speak to God, I’m speaking to the goodness of my own Soul. I can and will continue to do difficult things of both a spiritual and earthly nature.
Living a higher standard has shown me how much love and harmony I am capable of feeling with others and with all matter. But unfortunately I haven’t found anyone with whom I have both earned enough trust to share openly and with whom sharing is reciprocated effectively.
Being ahead of your time and still having to live in your time is really lonely. And to be fair, this perception of myself may be partially stroking my ego, and that’s something I genuinely try to keep in check, but I also have been told adamantly by everyone my whole life—family, friends old and new, teacher, lovers, and strangers—that I have an unusual spirit.
I have also generally felt especially spiritual lately, and it’s difficult to describe.
The way it feels in my body is like an energy charge from my chest and throughout my limbs, a blanket-like heaviness over my whole body. I think if I were to honor my intuition at time, I would live with so much joy. I think the satisfaction of what mormons calls “the spirit” actually came when I followed my intuition. Now I’m learning my true values, and living accordingly is a difficult alignment to sustain, but it is incredibly satisfying when it happens.
This summer I’d really love to camp along the Pacific Coast Highway with Momo, or even Southern Utah. Maybe I’ll take a long trip home, pass through Zion’s and spend a couple of days there writing. I really just want a radical amount of solitude and a reliable, limited social circle also sounds sooooooo good to me right now.
Some spiritual things I want to understand better:
bibliomancy
poetry (writing and memorizing)
glamour magic
feng shui
spells and speaking to the Universe
singing my own songs in the forest
Kulning
All the cherries in the trees
Could never fill you
When you keep your mouth closed
Hiking alone and telepathically engaging with the earth, taking pictures of me in my blue bikini and sandals and greasy hair, connecting with nature and water on a semi-daily basis during the Summer, lots of yoga and acrobatics, moving , exerting in terms of stamina and of the challenge of shaping my body in unusual, challenging ways.
I LOVE THE PHILOSOPHICAL BASIS and SPIRITUAL BASIS OF YOGA.
That said, I don’t think it is a truth that yogis own more of than the masses.
Practice sex magic: approach masturbation as a means of getting back to myself, learning what I want, and shedding shame about my current sexual awkwardness, which I think is basically rooted in the fact that I am only motivated to have sex with very few people, and I can only get turned on when there is a shared chemistry, which includes trust of an important kind: shared vibrations.
When the vibes are in sync, I get a deeply erotic feeling, like I’m a puddle of goo, and I start gushing. I feel like a perfect, exalted swamp frog jumping into a puddle of warm water.
Listen to lots of classical OR no music, and recite poetry in your head.
Spend more time outside and moving your body.
Drink more water!
Spend more time in intentional solitude.
Create poetry and art for myself.
Write and cast spells ritualistically, for peace, for grounding, for others, for school, for sex, etc.
I accept all of myself, or at least I am working on actively doing so. I am working to keep promises to myself, to honor my needs for solitude right now, to honor my needs in general, to allow myself to make “errors” without judging the process. To trust myself so I can more fully trust others.
LOVE AND BEAUTY ABOUND IN MY ENVIRONMENT. I am at harmony with all things; even in conflict, I stand on holy ground.
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