a genteel woman

March 06, 2020

I’m beginning to uncover the once unfathomable pleasures of solitude.

Perhaps one day I might truly love myself more than I love anyone. The more time I spend alone, the more I discover the beauty of my face and body, the unique attractiveness of my style, the poetry and strangeness with which I experience the world. I’m also much more grounded in myself, as far as I can tell.

Recently I realized I should quit school, because I think it will allow me to stop obsessing about money and take are of myself 100%. Then I’d also have the free time to work on poetry and the development of my character, values, and social persona. Like, who do I want to be, truly? What do I want to accomplish in life, with respect to my skills, passions, hobbies, careers, spirituality, knowledge, and relationships?

School isn’t inspiring to me anymore, not at this time. I am fully capable of learning, in the best ways and about the best things, on my own.

Lately I’ve been thinking about adopting the manner of a genteel woman. One motivation for this is my recent discomfort with sex. It might be empowering to refrain from physical intimacy until the passion in me takes over and I’m unable to resist. Increase the eroticism by intensifying the beginning stages: holding hands, touching skin, touching face, playing with hair. Enchant through poetry, love, and passion.

I’m writing on my bed right now. Twin Peaks is on the television, and I’m writing by candlelight. There is a red glow of LED lights which line the closet on my right. I truly enjoy the design of my self-made environment.

Boo and I watched “Barry Lindon” this evening. It was beautiful. The main actor, Ryan O’Neal, had an incredibly beautiful face and eyes that expressed such passion that I still have a heaviness hanging between my thighs. I want to awaken sexually.

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