the triumvirate (blue christmas)
December 29, 2021
Feeling incredibly lonely.
I’m at mom’s and find myself thrust into a no-longer-familiar family dynamic that is often toxic and too loud for my sensitivities, but also often tender and safe and supportive. Still I feel like I don’t fit. I miss them but I don’t get enough time. I want to just be grateful right now, but fear is ruling me. But at the same time I feel my life force building.
One lovely thing has been the time I’ve had with Everett. She has been my shadow, and is compassionate, bright, gentle, precocious, curious, adventurous, brave, force of energy. She keep rummaging through my magic items: a green marble, Wolf’s ponytail, a YES/NO coin, etc. She said she loves the marble so much and is storing it in her imagination. I want to protect her light.
I’m grieving the Constable, La Femme, and the children. This forceful loneliness.
It’s hard for me to figure out why my family makes me so sad. In a lot of ways I feel the sorrow of knowing they can’t go where I feel I have to go in order to be true to myself. Hard to be more descript in what I mean by that without being inaccurate.
What I want most is to have a romantic, spiritual, creative life partnership with someone who is an artist, who is loyal, true, devoted to me, fluid and adventurous spiritually. And ideally sexually unhinged like I imagine Frank Zappa would be.
I am also feeling deep, subconscious, unactualized romance and sexuality within me, and I really want to experience it in full effect. It’s hard to find someone worthy to receive this.
But I think I’ve accepted that I’m going to have to un-attach. It’s what is best for me, from the triumvirate. It’s completely against my best interest to entertain fantasies.
The best case scenario would involve settling down wherever Constable and Femme want to raise their children. I’d have to co-parent with La Femme, and I don’t trust her to know what she actually needs from me versus what she wants herself to want. The Constable would constantly be emotionally manipulating me into a One Penis Policy. Not to mention the impossibility of gaining any trust with both of them. I have to let go of control and follow my life force. I know the sacrifice will bring me the love I’m worthy of.
It’s too bad it wasn’t right, because it was beautiful.
“You have seaweed between your fingers, lips and legs.
Amphibious, androgynous
98 percent water”
My handwriting is inconsistent lately. I think I’m entering a new era again.
I was born to love and write, and I usually feel like they are at odds with each other, but with the Constable that we fed each other in this way. This time it was love and dignity that were at odds with each other.
It’s okay. It has to be. I am a fast mover, fast learner.
I don’t want to be stuck doing the same ancestral patterns on a horrifying karmic wheel. I want to destroy those on impact, which I’m proud of myself for keeping as a goal.
“My heartbreak is too sentimental for you ...”
Jenny Hval, Mary Oliver, classical music, Kanye’s gospel shit, Leonard Cohen, all inspire me, and especially the first two.
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