a little help from my friends
August 18, 2022. 2:52AM
Right now is an extremely rough time for me.
I have no close intimate contacts; my car died; the Cemetery’s sexton fired me because “my ambitions exceed[ed] the needs of the position,” and I quit my bartending job, so I have no income. My self-esteem is extremely low as a result.
I feel myself at times giving away my power in the name of social acceptance, but the whole intent behind my loneliness is to extract the poison from my life. The major poisons I’ve had in the past—toxic friends and partners, brainwashing paradigms—are gone, but the impact is still bleeding inside of me. What I need most right now is to be able to trust my own mind to love and celebrate myself, so that when I’m not receiving that from others, I know it feels wrong rather than normal.
I deserve love and acceptance even when I’m not strong and happy. I’m still the core of who I am even when I have no money and am broken and dark-minded. I have to believe that there are other women out there who have a darkness around them that they constantly battle, who are sometimes kept alive and growing only because of their friends’ love.
Anyway, I got three job interviews today. A guy at the laundromat gave me $20 just for looking after his clothes for 10 minutes. I took Momo on a walk, changed my sheets, watched the Beatles movie “Get Back.” I also got most of my photos from Stacie today, and they’re awesome. They triggered some of my insecurities about my face and skin texture, but they are still beautiful and artistic.
Confidence is throwing your heart through a brick wall.
I’ve also been watching videos of pop divas, and it encourages me to see that such undeniable figures of talent, intelligence, beauty, and charisma are also commonly dealing with deep darkness and still fight for others with so much kindness.
My new mantra: I choose to love and accept myself as I am today and right now. I choose to believe in my potential and that joy is ahead of me. My journey unfolds beautifully and I am grateful to be alive. I am a vulnerable, wise, kind, leader and artist. I heal myself and the world with my love.
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“I get by with a little help from my friends.”
